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NIGGER 

BOARDING 

HOUSE 



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NEW YORK 

DICK & FITZGERALD 

PUBLISHERS 

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THE 

NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE 

A SCREAMING FARCE 

IN ONE ACT AND ONE SCENE FOR SIX 
MALE BURNT-CORK CHARACTERS 

By OLIVER WENLANDT 

With Complete Directions for its Performance 

Copyright, 1898, by Dick & Fitzgerald 



NEW YORK 

DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 ANN ST&ET 



THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 

CHARACTERS. 

Mrs. Fizzy . . With lodgings to let; very short-sighted. 
. Her man of all work, full of mischief. 
. Mrs. Fizzy's next-door neighbor. 
A lodging-hunter. 

Pompey's friend. 

Masher, an extravagantly dressed dude. He introduces, occasion- 
ally, a vacant giggle, commencing with an open-mouthed stare, a 
grin gradually spreading over his face, ending with a rapid titter, 
"He, he, he!" on a high note; then suddenly serious. 



Moses 
Aaron 
Pompey 
Zeke 



Time, about forty-five minutes. 
COSTUMES. 

Mrs. Fizzy, personated by a man, dressed in loose dark cotton gown, 

short skirt, heavy boots, and big goggles. 
Moses and Aaron, shabby, patched garments. 
Pompey and Zeke, fairly well dressed as flashy niggers. 
Masher, gorgeous plaid coat and trousers, wide-striped vest, immense 

high collar and flaring tie with long ends, heavy watch-chain, 

large square eye-glass, large silk handkerchief. 

PROPERTIES. 

Table, two chairs, table-cloth, broom, soap-box bound with cord, 
newspaper, dime-novel, pickle- jar, tumbler, plate, knife and fork, 
looking-glass, flour, milk, slice of bacon, small roll of bread, two 
buns, meat-pie, and a dummy representing Moses, made to pull in 
half at the waist. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As the players face the audience, r. means right; L., left; c, 
centre; r. c, right centre; L. c, left centre; d., down stage towards 
the footlights; u. ? up towards rear of stage, 



THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 

Scene.— A room in Mrs. Fizzy's house. Table c, a chair at each 
end of table, and common furniture of any kind. Two entrances, 
R. and L. 

Enter Moses, r., chased by Mrs. F. Exit Moses, l. 

Mrs. F. Well, if dat lad ain't 'miff ter agrawate a saint!— not as 
I goes for to say as I'm a saint. 

Moses. [Aside, and peeping in at door] No; she's de biggest sinner 
dat eber walked on two legs— hope I nebah stir. Who eber sawed 
a saint wid a mug like dat? [Makes grimaces. 

Mrs. F. If he ain't been an' gone an' aksherly got two cats, tied 
dere tails tergedder, an' hung 'em ober de clothes-line ter watch 'em 
fight! 

Moses. [At door, aloud] I didn'; I hunged 'em up ter dry, 'cos 
dey fell in de wash-tub— hope I nebah stir. [Cuts a double shuffle. 

Mrs. F. [Making towards him; exit Moses] Get out, yer little 
wretch! get out! Yes; lemme cotch him, an' I'll wash-tub him! 
He's more bolder dan he's worth. What wid his tricks, an' his sky- 
larking, an' his thieving, earn' keep a lodger in de place. Allers 
up ter mischief, an' allers calling me all sorts ob nasty, wulgar 
names. Fireworks an' flatface! He's 'nuff ter send any one crazy. 
But I'll rattle his bones for him, so I will. 

Enter Moses, L. 

Moses. I say, Missis, you're wanted down-stairs. 

Mrs. F. Who is it? 

Moses. How do I know? She says she wants to see de Missis. 

Mrs. F. Oh, it's a lady, is it? Most likely it's de "Millionair" 
wid me new bonnet. Has she got a box? 

Moses. Yes; she's got a box— and a nose on her face. 

Mrs. F. Dear me! the imperdence ob de lower classes is some- 
thing abdominal, [Exit Mrs, F., h, 



4 THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 

Moses. Dere's an April fool for yer. She's as soft as butter, and 
almost as deaf; she's nearly blind in one eye, and can hardly hear 
wid de oder. But she's not dumb— golly, she ain't! Just hear her 
when she's got her broth up— no, it's not broth; I t'ink it's wrath; 
I neber can t'ink of some ob dose words. Anyway, you should just 
see her den— golly! she's like an engine full steam; and de steam 
sometimes gets into her arm, and dat keeps time wid her tongue— 
on my back. [Rubs his back feelingly.] Ah! I hears her coming up, 
and I guess her broth will be boiling by now, for I've only made a 
fool of her; but de worst ob it is, I daren't tell her so. 

Enter Mrs. F. Moses creeps round table and goes out. 

Mrs. F. Oh dear! [Sits down, out of breath.] I'm so fat-i-gude! 
I'se been looking for dat Moses eberywhere. De young jackanapes 
is always playing his tricks. I thought it was de " Millionair " wid 
my new bonnet. But I'll tickle his ribs, if I can only catch him! 
He's always in mischief. Deary me! [Sighs.] I'll either be de death 
of him, or he'll be de death of me. 

[Meanwhile Moses has entered with a hat-box, and, taking out Mrs. 
F.'s bonnet, puts it on himself. Bonnet should be very large, with two 
or three bright-colored ribbons on it.] 

Mrs. F. [Turns round] You villain! How dare you handle my 
new bonnet like dat? Give it to me at once! 

Moses. It's really splendiferous. Shall I tie it on for you? 

Mrs. F. Yes; tie it on me, and I'll go and see how it looks. 

[Moses puts it on her with back to the front.] 

Moses. It's de betterest bonnet I neber seed. [Exit Mrs. F., l.] 
Golly! did you ever see such a guy? 

Enter Pompey, r. 

Pomp. I say, Sammy- what's-your-name? 

[At first word Moses jumps up and looks round as if he was going 
to be hit] 

Moses. Moses. 

Pomp. Oh— Moses. What made you jump so when I spoke? 

Moses. I thought it was de old lady with a stick! But I say, 
guv'nor, what you want, coming in here like dis? 

Pomp. Oh, I found de street door open, so I berry naturally 
walked in. 

Moses. Well, you'll find de door in de same place, so you'd better 
berry naturally walk out. 

Pomp. I've come after de lodgings. Where's de Missis? 

Mosug, Trying on her new bonnet. 



THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 5 

Pomp. What's her name? 
Moses. Mrs. Fizzy. What's yours? 

Pomp. Mr. Solomon Pompey, Esq., LL.D., M.D., B.A., M.A., M.C. 
Moses. I t'ink you'd better get cards printed; but I'll go and tell 
her. [Exit Moses, l. 

Pomp. An intelligent black-pudding, dat. 

Enter Mrs. F., l., with bonnet on. 

Pomp. [Aside] I wonder if she lets lodgings in her bonnet? 

Mrs. F. Mr. Pompey, I consume? 

Pomp. Yes, Mrs. Fizzy. I've come after your lodgings. 

Mrs. F. Oh, indeed! I'm berry glad to hear it. Are you by 
yourself? I mean— er— are you married? 

Pomp. Oh dear, no! There's only me and myself. 

Mrs. F. You and who? 

Pomp. Only myself, Mrs. Fizzy. What d'ye take me for? It 
takes six things to get married. 

Mrs. F. Lor' sakes! What's the fust? 

Pomp. A man. 

Mrs. F. Sure; an' de second? 

Pomp. A woman. 

Mrs. F. Naterally; couldn't be anodder man. What's de third? 

Pomp. Matter o' money. 

Mrs. F. Sure enough; and de fo'th? 

Pomp. Money. 

Mrs. F. Ain't dem four enough? 

Pomp. Not much! Fifth and sixth are more money. 

Mrs. F. Sakes alive! I had none of 'em but the fust. 

Pomp. Then you weren't half married. Say— what's your charge 
for board and lodgings? 

Mrs. F. Two dollars a week if you pay; five dollars if you don't 
pay; and board free, purwided you finds the purwisions. 

Pomp. Berry good, berry good! And now I'll go and get some- 
thing for dinner, while you prepare my room. [Exit Pomp., r. 

Mrs. F. Now I'll go and find something for dat lazybones to do, 
if I can only find him. He'll likely be in some mischief, wherever 
he is. [Exit l., calling Moses. 

Enter Moses, L., whistling, with a table-cloth, which he spreads on 
table, covering down the front as well; draws up two chairs. 

Moses. De old lady's in a rare fuss 'cos she's let de lodgings; 
she's been chattering away down-stairs; and I'll be flabergasted if I 
don't t'ink she's let them for nothing a week, for I know she's no 



6 THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 

hand at figuring. I don't b'leeve she could count, if she tried, de 
number of times she whacks me, and how many whacks a whacking 
she gives me! I guess I'll hab plenty to do when de lodger comes, 
so I'll just hab a snooze so as to be ready for action. 

[Lays his head on table and falls asleep. 

[Mrs. F. is heard calling Moses; she comes in, catching him asleep ; 

strikes him, hitting the back of chair. Moses jumps up. She waddles 

about after him, calling him lazybones, etc. Moses finally ducks under 

the table, and exit h. Mrs. F. thrashes a chair.] 

Enter Pomp, and Zeke, r., Pomp, carrying a black portmanteau, and 
Zeke reading a newspaper, which he is continually doing. Zeke 
sits down. 

Pomp. Hallo, Mrs. Fizzy! You're working hard; dusting chairs, 
I s'pose? 

Mrs. F. Chairs! oh dear! [Sits down, quite exhausted.] I thought 
I was masticating dat lad ob mine. 

Pomp. Castigating, you mean. 

Mrs. F. Yes, mastigating him; he exagerated me so. 

Pomp. Exasperated. 

Mrs. F. Yes; I said exagerated. Oh dear! he's set my heart all 
on a parapet. 

Pomp. You mean palpitate, Mrs. Fizzy. I t'ink you are rather 
exhausted. 

Mrs. F. Yes; oh dear! [Sighs.] I t'ink I is going to hab an attack 
ob de mysteries. 

Pomp. Well, please don't go into hysterics while I'm here. This 
is an old friend ob mine, Mrs. Fizzy, whom I hab not seen for a 
berry long time, and he's going to share my lodgings with me. 

[Introduces Zeke. 

Mrs. F. Certainly; to be sure. 

Pomp. I t'ink you had better go and rest yourself. Send Moses 
up, and we'll make ourselves at home at once. 

Mrs. F. Yes; I'll go dis instinct. [Exit L. 

Zeke. Who's Moses, when he's at home? 

Pomp. Oh, he's a general knock-about. 

Enter Moses, l. 

Pomp. Here, young 'un, take dese. 

[Both give him their hats and then sit down. Zeke reads news- 
paper. Pomp., looking round, sees that Moses put one hat inside the 



THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 7 

other and put them on; he tries to box his ears. Moses stoops, and 
the blow knocks both hats on the floor.] 

Pomp. Pick dem up, sir, immediately, if not sooner! 

[Moses pretends to pick them up two or three times, but each time 
lets his foot kick them from his grasp; finally picks them up and goes 
out L. Pomp, calls him a clumsy duffer, etc., and sits. Moses reenters; 
sees Pomp.'s black bag.] 

Moses. [^Lside] What's in dis, I wonder? I suspecks dey are 
Fenians, and dis is dere— er— dy-in-a-minit. 

Pomp. Well, Zeke, anything fresh? 

Zeke. No; but I t'ink dere's something fresh in dat portmanteau 
of yours, which I should like to hear more about. 

Pomp. Ob course; I forgot we habn't had dinner. 

Zeke. But I ain't; I've had nothing to eat since last time. 

Pomp. Hallo, dere! what are you up to? 

Moses. Nothing, sah. 

Pomp. Well, don't do it again. Go and bring me a knife and 
fork. 

Moses. We've only one pair, sah, and we keeps dem locked up. 

Pomp. Well, go and bring dem, and look mighty sharp. 

[Exit Moses. 

[Pomp, brings bag beside table, takes out a plate and then a meat-pie. 
Moses enters with a big carving-knife and fork.] 

Pomp. What de dickens! You might as well hab brought a 
scythe and pitchfork. Here! where are you going? 

Moses. For de scythe and pitchfork. 

Pomp. Pub dem down, and go and bring me a glass. 

[Exit Moses, l., and reenters with looking-glass. 

Pomp. What on earth's dis for? I can't drink out ob dis. 

Moses. No; but you can see where it's going to. 

Pomp. Go and bring me a glass to drink out of. 

Zeke. And look sharp, or bring me a smaller waistcoat. 

[Exit Moses, l. Returns with glass. 

Pomp. Berry good. Oh, here's de glass. You can go now, 



[While Pomp, turns to get another plate out of his bag, Moses slips 
under the table. Zeke is reading. Pomp, cuts the meat-pie in two 
horizontally; he puts the top half, or crust, on Zeke's plate, reserving 
the bottom half with the meat for himself. While he is getting two 
buns out of his bag, Moses peeps up behind the table, takes both pies, 
and disappears again.] 

Pomp. Here! I say, Zeke, dis won't do; you might hab left half. 

Zeke. Half of what? 



8 THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 

Pomp. No; not half of what, but half of de pie dat I put here. 

Zeke. I've never sawed any pie; wish I could. 

Pomp. [Vexed] Look here; I dissolved partnership between de 
two halves of dat pie; I put one on your plate, and one on mine; and 
now they're vanished. 

[Zeke picks up plate and looks for pie.] 

Pomp. [Sneeringly] It's gone. Did you expect to find it underneath 
de plate? You'd better turn it inside out; it'll happen to be inside. 

Zeke. It must hab been the cat. 

Pomp. As likely a two-legged one as not. Howeber, it's gone, 
and may de pie lie heabily on your— I mean de cat's— stomach. 

Zeke. Look here; if you mean to insinuate dat I eat dat pie, I'll 
—I'll— I'll commit susancide. 

Pomp. Well, neber mind; don't let's fall out ober a meat-pie. 

[Zeke goes on reading. Pomp, is getting a bottle of milk out of his 
bag, while Moses gets fork off table and sticks it in Zeke's leg.] 

Zeke. Oh! 

Pomp. Hallo! 

Zeke. [Looking about] De cat's bitten me. 

Pomp. Ha, ha, ha! You shouldn't hab cast a slur on de cat's 
character. 

Zeke. I'll hab something else cast at it, next time I clap my 
eyes on it. 

Pomp. It's my 'pinion it wasn't de cat; only your conscience 
pricking you. 

Zeke. Don't judge other folks by yourself; if your conscience is 
in de calf ob your leg, mine isn't. 

Pomp. Well, neber mind. I say, Zeke, you've not told me where 
you've been dese last two or three centuries. How's your sister . 
getting on? 

Zeke. Oh, she's all right. 

Pomp. As beautiful as eber she wasn't, and not married yet, 
I s'pose? 

Zeke. No; I should hope not. 

Pomp. Ah! [Sighs.] She was a berry nice girl, she was. Next 
time you see her, give her my comments,— no, I mean compliments, 
—and tell her you saw me, and I was berry glad to see you, and 
was asking after me. 

Zeke. What do you say? 

Pomp. You've got a sister? 

Zeke. Yes. 

Pomp. Well, next time you see her, give her my compliments, and 
tell me she saw you, and was asking after you. 



THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 9 

Zeke. What are you driving at? You must be in love. 

Pomp. No; I ain't! You've got a sister, habn't you? 

Zeke. I believe so. 

Pomp. Well, next time I saw me, give her my complaint, and tell 
you she saw me, and she was asking after you, and was quite well, 
only you had an attack ob de chicken-box. 

Zeke. Look here; do you know what you are talking about? 
Because I don't. 

Pomp. I'm talking about your sister. You've got one, habn't 
you? 

Zeke. For de elebenty-tenth time, yes! 

Pomp. [Sharply] Well, keep her; I don't want her! 

[Moses sticks fork m Pomp.'s legs; Pomp, shouts " Oh!"] 

Zeke. [Jumps] Oh! kill a chap at once; don't frighten him to 
death. Is your conscience pricking you? 

Pomp. No; but I'll kick that cat's conscience, if I can only lay my 
paws on it. 

Zeke. Hear! hear! I vote dat, as de cat's eaten our pie, we make 
a pie ob de cat. 

Moses. [Aside] It's time dis cat was moving. 

Zeke. I t'ink your conscience pricked harder dan mine. 

Pomp. Shut-tup, or I'll choke you with dis bun. 

Zeke. I wish you would, for I'm nearly choking for want ob it. 

[Zeke reads newspaper. Pomp, pours out a glass of milk. While 
turning to his bag for something else, Moses drinks the milk, and puts 
flour in instead!] 

Pomp. Come 'long, Zeke, and get what you want. 

[Pomp, then drinks the flour, which fills his mouth and falls over his 
face; he makes towards Zeke, and when he tries to speak the flour flies 
on to Zeke's face.] 

Pomp. [Savagely] I s'pose de cat did that— de two-legged one, 
eh? I've a good mind to make you as you'll only be fit for meat- 
pies. 

[While they are standing, rubbing the flour out of their eyes, Moses 
puts Pomp.'s hat behind Zeke, sticks fork in Zeke's leg, and exit l. 
Zeke, turning suddenly round, gives Pomp.'s hat a kick.] 

Pomp. Hold hard! What are you doing? Dat's my Sunday-go- 
to-meeting hat. 

Zeke. So it is. I fought it was de cat. 

Pomp. Dat blessed cat again! I'll introduce you to a cat-ob-nine- 
tails, for it's getting more dan flesh and blood can bear. 

Zeke. Skin and bones, you mean. 

[Both clinch, and fight all around, upsetting chairs, etc.] 



10 THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 



Enter Mrs. F., l., with broom. 

Mrs. F. Drat sich lodgers! [Drives them off r. with broom.] This 
is some mo' mischief of dat Moses. Oh, if I could find him! 

[Exit L. 

Enter Moses, R. 

Moses. De ole, skinny, walking black-puddin', she's allers arter 
me. Says I'se a-gwine der dribe her out ob her min'— as if she eber 
had any, or hadn' gone off her chump long ago. Hope I nebah stir 
if I wasn' habin' a nice, jolly snooze on de bottom ob de stairs; an' 
jess 'cos she happened ter come down an' fall ober me, she follers 
me all roun' de ole shanty wid a broom. What's de good ob her 
spec's, if she can't see where she's gwine to? I know what I'll do: 
I'll knock the glasses out ob her spec's. She'll neber know; she'll 
t'ink her sight's gettin' wuss. But, golly! dere'il be a joyful time if 
she does fin' it out— hope I nebah stir! [Pulls book out of his pocket.] 
Golly! I nebah finished dat tale 'bout de red-headed pirate wid de 
crooked nose, in last week's " Dime Weekly." Lemme see. I got ter 
where Black Jack was chasing de pirate ship wid two masts. [Finds 
place, and reads:] " After a long an' exciting chase ob free seconds, 
our noble ship, de Crusthunter, sailed up alongside de Thundering 
Howler. Black Jack immediately, right away at once, an' widout 
looking ter see wedder he was coming back agen, fell on board de 
Thundering Howler; but, seeing no one on deck, he picked up a 
brick, an', after picking his teef, he frew it down agen berry gently, 
so as not to make a noise. Den, blowin' a tremendous big blow on 
his— on his nose— an' callin' his men tergedder, he shouted—" 

Mrs. F. [Offh.] Moses! Moses! 

Moses. [Looking at door, and then continuing:] " An' callin' his 
men tergedder, he said: 'Men, seize ebery man, specially—" 

Mrs. F. [Offh.] Moses, d'yer hear me? 

Moses. [Continuing:] " ' Specially de one wid de red head an' 
crooked nose.' Den, seeing lights burnin' in de fo'cas'le, he rushed 
in, when — " 

Mrs. F. [Offh.] Moses! Moses! Where's Moses? 

Moses. [Continuing:] " When de lights went out an' leff him in 
total darkness, wid one glance he knocked down two men who were 
lying in his footsteps, an' den, widout waiting ter stop or eben to 
pick hisself up, he rushed out like one man, shoutin' at de top ob his 
voice—" 

Mrs. F. [Offh., and at the top of her voice] Moses! Moses! 



THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 11 

Moses. It ain't no use; she's jess like one ob dose t'ingamebobs as 
yer wind up; she won' gib ober till she stops. [Leaves book on table, 
goes towards door r., and stands listening as Mrs. F. enters l., to 
which his back is turned.'] She's a reg'lar ole flat-faced nuisance. 
[Mrs. F. stands amazed.] She's allers wanting sumt'ing, and neber 
wants nuffin. She says her eyesight's gettin' wuss; 'pears to me her 
tongue talks gettin' wusserer. [Mrs. F. is now close behind him, 
with her hands on her hips, listening.] An' de way she knocks me 
'bout, she mus' t'ink Fse made ob Injin rubber. 

Mrs. F. [Aside] Injin rubber or not, he'll be itchin' an' rubbin' 
berry presently. 

Moses. [Listening] She's berry quiet. 

Mrs. F. [Aside] Is she! Jess wait a bit. 

Moses. She mus' be lookin' for me. Neber min'; I'll be like Injin 
rubber. I'll stretch so far, an' den— an' den I'll bu'st. Yes; an' when 
I bu'st, dere'll be a row— a row as big as a fite. 

Mrs. F. [Aloud] Yes; dere's a-gwine ter be a row. 

[Tries to box his ears; but Moses, turning round, sees her, and, 
to evade the blow, falls flat on the floor; and Mrs. F. turns 
completely round with the force of her intended blow, and 
falls across Moses. 

Moses. Lor'! It's all up wid poor Tommy now— hope I nebah 
stir! 

Mrs. F. Dat lad's a-gwine ter be de death ob me. 

Moses. Oh, Jumbo! Talk 'bout a helephant! 

Mrs. F. [Getting up] Well, did you eber? 

Moses. No, not a neber. [Runs out R. 

Mrs. F. Well, if dat lad ain't de mos' encourageable feller dat 
eber— dat eber wiped his nose on his sleeves. [Excited.] I'll— I'll 
—yes, I will! See if I don't. Good gracious! what next? what's de 
worl'comin'to? [Grunts.] A helephant! Eh! de idea! What's dis? 
[Picks up book, taking off her glasses to read it; reads:] " Den he picked 
him up wid one hand, an' kicked him wid de udder." 

Enter Moses, r. 

Moses. Well, de Lor' pickle an' preserbe me, if she ain't readin' a 
"Dime Weekly"! [Snatches book out of her hands.] Look here; don' 
talk 'bout me any more— no more. Yer oughter be 'shamed ob 



Mrs. F. Well, if you ain't 'nuff ter break de heart ob a— ob a— 
Moses. Cast-iron monkey. 

Mrs. F. Yer young monkey, I'll make yer wish yer was a cast- 
iron— 



12 THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 

Moses. Now, don' go and git mad. De young genelman from 
nex' door's jess come ter borrow our fryin'-pan. 

Mrs. F. Well, if eber! [Sharply] We habn' got one. 

Moses. Well, all right. Don't frighten a chap out ob his boots. 
I know we habn' got one, 'cos I be jess lent him it. 

Mrs. F. Lent who what? 

Moses. Well, hope I uebah stir! Why, lent de young gent from 
nex' door our fryin'-pan — de one wid no bottom in. 

Mrs. F. De one wid no bottom in? 

Moses. Well, it's nex' door to it; it's made ob holes. 

Mrs. F. You mean de gridiron! 

Moses. Well, de gridiron, den. Yer should use it, an' den I might 
hab known what it was. 

Mrs. F. I'd use it now, if I had it, yer nasty good-fer-nuffin'! I'd 
like ter know what yer t'ink yer good for? 

Moses. Gib us a beef -chop, an' I'll soon show yer. 

Mrs. F. I'll gib yer a smack on de chops, if I git hoi' ob yer. 

[Chases him out, and exit L. Moses reenters L. 

Moses. She's a reg'lar thumpin' ole humbug, I'll swaller me boots 
if she ain't; gits worse ebery day. I'se miserably miserable, dat's 
what it is. Neber min' [pulling out his book]; I'se soon forgit all my 
troubles by readin' ob de miseries ob udders. Lemme see; I got ter 
where de lights went out an' leff Black dark in total Jackness. 
Where am it? Ah! [Reads:] "Wid one glance he knocked down 
two men who were lyin' 'cross his footsteps; den, widout waitin' ter 
stop or pick hisself up, he rushed out, shoutin' at de top ob his 
mouth: [Dramatically] 'Let me like a soldier fall— on a mutton- 
chop ! ' Den, rushin' again, he rushed inter de pirate's cabin, where 
de pirate was sayin' his prayers, an', twirlin' his penknife in de air, 
wid one swing he slapped off his head." 

[Suiting the action to the word, swings his arm round, and 
knocks down Aaron, who has entered r. while he was read- 
ing. Moses runs out l. without looking. 

Aaron. Lor'! Thunder and onions! 

Moses. [Coming back l.] Why, it's de genelman from nex' door. 
I fought it was de ole woman. 

Aaron. Can I come in? 

Moses. What's de good ob askin' dat now? Yer should hab asked 
'fore yer came in. 

Aaron. Why, I had ter come in ter ask yer. 

Moses. Well, yer earn' come in. 

Aaron. Oh! [Looks round.] Can I go out, den? 

Moses. No! 



THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 13 

Aaron. Oh! Can I stop where I am? 

Moses. No!— an' if yer don't git up, I'll knock yer down. [Aaron 
gets up.] Who are yer ? What's yer name ? How old are yer ? How 
d'yer feel? Who's yer f adder an' mudder? Where's yer f adder 
workin' now? an' how's yer mudder off for soap? 

Aaron. Well— er— I'se de chap as borrowed de fryin'-pan a short 
time previously jess now not long since. Me name's Aaron. I'se 
a-gwine on fer sebenty-seben. I feel wid me hands. Me fadder's a 
washerwoman, but he's on strike jess now fer more work. I ain't 
got no mudder, an' she's pretty well off fer soap. I'se come ter lib 
nex' door wid me Aunt Mary an' Uncle Billy. 

Moses. Den yer had a mudder once? 

Aaron. Oh, yes; I'se had one once. 

Moses. Did yer eber hab one twice? 

Aaron. How could I hab one twice? 

Moses. Easy 'nuff ! Look here; s'posin' I gib you a dollar ter-day, 
—'member, we're on'y s'posin', 'cos I ain't a-gwine ter do no such 
foolish t'ing,— an' s'posin' nex' time I saw yer— 

Aaron. I don't t'ink yer would. 

Moses. What? 

Aaron. See me agen. 

Moses. Well, we're on'y s'posin'. 

Aaron. Yes; but I know a feller what got locked up fer s'posin'. 

Moses. How's dat? what did he s'pose? 

Aaron. Why, he s'posed anudder feller's watch was his own. 

Moses. Yes; but he got locked up 'cos de udder feller didn' s'pose 
at all. We're bof s'posin'. Well, s'posin' I gib yer a dollar ter-day, 
an' anudder nex' time; yer'd hab one twice, wouldn' yer? 

Aaron. I don'no. I'll beliebe it when I see it. 

Moses. Say, Aaron; if I was you I wouldn' expose meseff like dat. 
Yer dat chock-full ob ignorance, yer'll be bu'stin' if yer don' min'; 
yer ain't got no more common sense dan our cat. 

Aaron. No; I know I ain't. Mine's good, s'purior sense— none ob 
yer common sense. 'Sides, I'd sooner be full ob ignorance dan be 
like you— dat chock-full ob nuffin dat it comes outer yer mouf when- 
eber yer open it. 

Moses. Now, don' git mad, Aaron; keep yer hair on. 

Aaron. I'll not; I'll take it off if I like; an' if I was you, I 
wouldn' be a fool. 

Moses. [Slowly] If— you— was— me— yer wouldn' be a fool? 

Aaron. No; I wouldn'. 

Moses. [Laughing] Dat's right. Allers tole de troof, an' den 
yer'll neber tole a lie. But look heah; what's de good ob us gettin' 



14 THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 

shirty? I don' like fallin' out, specially wid such a good-looking 
nigger as you. 

Aaron. Tank yer; wish I could say as much for you. 

Moses. Well, yer can, if yer tole as big a lie as I did. But neber 
min' dat; how's yer Aunt Billy an' Uncle Mary gettin' on? 

Aaron. Oh, fust-class; neber was no better. If it wasn' fer de 
ole woman habin' de roomattics rader bad, an' Uncle Billy bein' 
attacked wid consumption too or free times a day,— ebery meal- 
time,— dey'd be all right, 'cept fer bein' troubled wid comparitib 
conjugation ob de cranium. 

Moses. Eh, how much? Jess remark dat say agen. 

Aaron. I couldn' say it twice; 'sides, life's too short to repeat 
t'ings. It's what wulgar niggers calls " information on de brain." 

Moses. Yer neber said so; am it dangerous? 

Aaron. Yes; berry dangerous, if dey hab it too much. Hab you 
got a aunt? 

Moses. No; I neber had an aunt but one, an' she was an uncle— 
me mudder's brudder, or me brudder's mudder, or somet'ing like 
dat. 

Aaron. Yes, I know; but I berrer be trabeling. 

Moses. C'u'd hab gone sooner, if yer'd asked ; yer in a sweat. 

Aaron. An' I guess yer'd be in a sweat if yer had an ole woman 
allers arter yer wid a brush, or a 'tater-masher, or anyt'ing else 
what's soft an' won' hurt. 

Moses. What! [Stepping backward.] Yer don' go fer to say dat 
yer ole woman's allers on yer track? 

Aaron. Ain't she! Oh, no; not at all; don' mention it. 

Moses. A brudder in distress! 

[Runs forward with open arms to embrace him; but Aaron 
ducks, and Moses clasps nothing, Aaron running to the 
other side of stage. 

Aaron. I ain't yer brudder, yer ole fool. 

Moses. Yes! You're a feller brudder in distress. 

[Runs to embrace again; but, Aaron ducking, Moses falls flat 

on floor. 

Aaron. Dat nigger's gwine ter be in distress if he don' be care- 
less. What's de matter? What yer lyin' down for? 

Moses. [Lifting his head] Guess you'd be lyin' down if yer was 
down here. [Gets up.] Look heah; our ole woman's jess de same— 
allers arter yer. [Mrs. F. heard calling Moses, l.] Oh, neber min' 
her; she's often took dat way. 

Aaron. Is dat your name? Moses? 

Moses. Yes; dat was de name 'stowed on me by me godf adders 



THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 15 

an' godmudders when I was waxinated. Say, does yer ole aunt gib 
yer plenty ter eat? Does she feed yer by weight or measure? 

Aaron. We gen'ly gits free meals a day; if it's small and hebby 
she feeds me by weight, an' if it's light an' big, by measure. 

Moses. What yer hab fer breakfas'? 

Aaron. Oh, we don' hab nuffin fer breakfas'. 

Moses. Nuffin fer breakfas'? Den yer mus' hab a good dinner? 

Aaron. Well, I earn' brag much 'bout de dinner; you see, Moses, 
we habs what was leff from breakfas'. 

Moses. Oh! I s'pose dey makes it all right in de supper, den? 

Aaron. Yes; dat's de bes' meal we habs, Moses. We habs what 
was leff from breakfas' an' dinner, warmed up. 

Moses. Golly! Wish I was dere; I'd soon git fat. 

Aaron. Yes; yer'd git dat fat yer'd soon be able ter gib ober 
eatin'. But what kin' of meals do you git? 

Moses. Me? Oh, I allers habs some dry bread an' one eggs fer 
breakfas'. 

Aaron. A whole egg? 

Moses. Yes; it's rader an ole egg now; it's lasted six months. 

Aaron. Lasted six months! How's dat? 

Moses. Why, I on'y gets it rubbed ober de dry bread ebery morn- 
ing. But yer should see de dinner, Aaron; it's a reg'lar stew. We 
habs two courses. Fust we habs two or free pickled eels' feet, an' 
den herrin'-bone soup. 

Aaron. Herrin'-bone soup! What's dat? 

Moses. Well, yer see, ole Fireworks gen'ly habs a herrin' fer 
breakfas/ an' so she stews de bones fer dinner. 

Aaron. An' I s'pose yer'll hab a reg'lar blow-out fer supper? 

Moses. No; de supper's berry light. She says hebby suppers 
ain't good fer nobody, an' she won't hab nuffin wasted, so I habs 
ter be satisfied wid lickin' all de plates an' t'ings clean, ready fer de 
nex' day. But look heah; I ain't a-gwine ter stan' it no longer, no 
more. No! Fse a-gwine ter strike. [Bringing his hand very heavy 
on Aaron, who gives way under it.] Fse had as much as I can stom- 
ach, an' now Fse gwine ter bu'st out. [Aaron is running out; Moses 
collars and brings him back.] What yer runnin' off like dat for? Are 
yer badly? 

Aaron. No; yer said yer was a-gwine ter bu'st. 

Moses. Not jess yet. My cup ob misery's been oberflowin' for a 
'siderable lump ob a long time, but it ain't full yet. If dere's any- 
t'ing I do despise, it am one t'ing more dan anudder. 

Aaron. Yes; it's 'nuff ter make a dead monkey kick his own 
fadder. 



16 THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 

Moses. Oh! how did de fryin'-pan do? 

Aaron. We habn' used it yit, 'cos we'b nuffin ter put in; I'se come 
ter borrer some bacon; an' I'll hab ter be a-gwine, else dere'll be a 
slight row, if de ole woman comes arter me. 

Moses. Why, what'll she say, if she does come? 

Aaron. Say? She'll kick me down-stairs; dat's all she'll say. 

Moses. Neber min' her; let her come. What's de good ob being 
in a hurry, Aaron? Keep yer hair on. 

Aaron. You'd be in a hurry, an' it 'u'd take you all yer time ter 
keep yer hair on, if yer had her foot behin' yer. 

Moses. Oh, golly! Let's change de subjec'. [Examines Aaron's 
cheek.'] Say— where did you git dat ? 

Aaron. [Feeling his cheek] Git what? 

Moses. [Slaps Aaron's cheek] Dat! 

Aaron. Oh— dat! I caught ole Pete in our garden wid his dog, 
an' I didn't like de way he was smellin' about. 

Moses. Who, Pete? 

Aaron. No; his dog. So I arksed him what he wanted dere. 

Moses. Who, de dog? 

Aaron. No; Pete. So I frew a stone at him, and he slunk his 
tail 'tween his legs and runned away. 

Moses. Who, Pete? 

Aaron. No; his dog. And den I tole him to clear out. 

Moses. Who, de dog? 

Aaron. No; Pete. An' he said, "You're an ole donkey, dat's 
what you are, sah." 

Moses. What? Called me a donkey? 

Aaron. No, sah; me. 

Moses. What did you say when he called you a donkey? 

Aaron. I didn't say nuffin; somet'in' kicked me in de jaw an' made 
me sit down, an' when I rose my toof was aching, and Pete was 
gone after his dog. 

Moses. Say, Aaron, which am de easiest— pushin' or shovin'? 
Which would you prefer? 

Aaron. Oh, neider ob 'em; it don' make no difference. 

Moses. It don' make no different, eh? 

[He pushes or shoves Aaron backward round the stage, finally push- 
ing him right into the arms of Mrs. F., ivho enters l. just then. 
Moses makes a quick exit L.] 

Mrs. F. [Gasping] Well, if he ain't knocked all de wind out ob 
me an' choked me! What's de matter now? [Shaking Aaron.] Yer 
up to some mischief, as sure as my name's— 

Moses. [Peeping in door l.] Fireworks! 



THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 17 

Aaron. Here! leggo! I ain't doin' nuffin; it ain't me. 

Mrs. F. What's dat? Fireworks? [Shaking and dragging him 
out.] Well, if I don't let you feel fireworks! [Both exit R. 

Moses. [Coming forward] Dere's anudder good man gone wrong. 
She t'inks she's got me. I wouldn' like ter be in dat chap's boots 
for de nex' fibe minutes. He'll be habin' a jolly jubilee. [^L great 
hammering at door.] Golly! she's hammerin' his head ag'in' de door. 
Alas, poor Aaron! He'll neber keep his hair on— hope I nebah stir! 

Masher. [Without r.] Methinks I— aw— heard de sound ob a 
voice. [Peeps in.] 'Scuse me— is— aw— nobody in? 

Moses. Well, dere will be if you come in. 

Masher. 'Scuse me, but— aw— 

Moses. Oh, yes; I'll 'scuse yer. Come in. 

Enter Masher, r., and stands stock-still c, with his mouth wide open, 
staring; then giggles. Enter Aaron, r. 

Aaron. Oh, my eye! [To Moses] What's dat? 

Moses. Say, d'yer see dat t'ing? 

Aaron. Rader! 

Moses. Well, if yer can tole me what it am, I'll gib it yer. 
[Aaron shakes his head.] I wonder wedder it's a he or a she? [They 
walk round, and stare at him all over.] Here, take it to de pawn- 
broker and see what dey'll gib yer for it. [Aaron is going to touch 
Masher; Moses shoves him away.] Jess keep yer dirty black paws 
off, will yer? Ye're a-gwine ter soil it. It's berry delicate. 'Sides, 
it's mine; I found it fust. 

Aaron. It's alibe. 

Moses. What's alibe? Here, gib us a pin, an' I'll soon fin' out. 

[Aaron produces a pin, which Moses sticks in Masher. Masher 
give a yell, and walks excitedly up and down the stage, rubbing, and 
looking very much disgusted.] 

Aaron. I tole yer it was alibe. 

Moses. Go an' raffle yerself. How can a t'ing widout brains be 
alibe? It goes by clockwork; dere's works inside ob him. 

Aaron. Oh, I see; and you've jess wound 'em up an' set 'em 
a-goin'. 

Moses. Yes; an' min' I don' wind you up an' set you a-goin'. 
[They stare awhile.] I say, Aaron, jess ask him if he's anybody 
pertickler. [Aside] I hope he'll kick him. 

Aaron. [Saluting Masher] If yer please, are yer anybody per- 
tickler? 

[Masher stoops and eyes him through a large eye-glass.] 



18 THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 

Masher. Fm— aw— a mashaw— aw— [Giggles. 

Aaron. He says he's a masher; what's dat? 

Moses. Don'no; mus' be a new invention. It's a wunner it ain't 
patented, like eberyt'ing else. 

Aaron. P'r'aps he means a pertater-masher. 

Moses. P'r'aps he does; he's got a berry likely mouth fer a job 
ob dat sort. [To Masher] An' so— aw— you're— aw— a potato- 
masher? How long— aw— hab you been workin' at it— aw? 

Masher. Weally, you— aw— misstandunder me. I'm— aw— not 
a potato-masher. I'm— aw— jess a simple mashaw— aw— 

Moses. Oh, yer don' say so— aw! Are you— aw— very simple— 
aw? 

Masher. Weally, my dear boy, you— aw— don't understood me. 

Moses. I'll be blowed till I bust, if I do. 

Aaron. So will I too neider— aw. 

Masher. I'm— aw— on'y a mashaw; jess simply a mashaw— aw— 

[Giggles. 

Moses. Yes; you said so afore. Has— aw— yer mudder any more 
like you— aw? 

Masher. No, sir. 

Aaron. How's she off fer soap? 

Masher. Did you speak? 

Aaron. Who? 

Masher. You. 

Aaron. Me? 

Masher. Yes! 

Aaron, No! 

Masher. Oh! 

Moses. Don't you feel sorry for him, Aaron? 

Aaron. Oh, yes; berry. 

Moses. [Kicking Aaron behind by side movement of foot] Well, 
feel dat. 

Aaron. Jess be careless now, I say. It's a wunner he ain't 
frightened ob fallin' froo dat collar an' cuttin' his head off. 

Moses. [Pushing him] You dry up, an' don't be insultin' de gen- 
elman. [Turns to Masher.] 'Scuse me— aw— [He takes Masher's 
silk pocket-handkerchief] Eh, how nice! 

[Wipes his nose on it, and gives it to Aaron, who does the same. 
Then they examine him all over,— glass, watch and chain, 
stick, boots, etc.,— the Masher standing speechless with 
astonishment. 

Masher. 'Sense me, but— aw— am de massa ob de house in? 

Moses. [Strutting about] Yes; I'se in. 



THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 19 

Masher. Indeed; but— aw— am dere nobody else in? 

Moses. Oh, yes; de ole gal's in; she'll be here in half a jiffy. 

Masher. I beliebe you— aw— let furnished apartments? 

Moses. [To Aaron] What's he talkin' 'bout? 

Aaron. [To Masher] Yer mean lodgin's, don' cher? 

Masher. Well— aw— yes. 

Moses. Well— aw— I don' 'xactly let 'em meseff, but de ole 
woman does. 

Masher. What's de ole— aw— de ole lady's name? 

Moses. Fireworks. 

Masher. Fireworks? [Aside] I don't t'ink it was dat; but— aw 
—it was a rader 'culiar name. [Aloud] Rader a singular name, dat. 

[Giggles. 

Moses. Yes, ole swell, yer right; she's rader a sing'lar ole woman. 
Ain't she, Aaron? 

Aaron. Slightly; jess a considerable bit of a big lump. 

Moses. An' I t'ink she's comin' now, so I'se a-gwine ter make 
myself scarce. Come 'long, Aaron. Don' fergit her name, Mr. 
'Tater-masher— Mrs. Fireworks. [Exit Moses and Aaron, r. 

Mrs. F. [Without l.] Oh, but I'll tickle yer ribs, so I will! I'll 
smash ebery blessed bone in yer body! [Enter Mrs. F. with broom. 
Masher stands staring, with his mouth open.] Ah! yer dere, are yer? 

Masher. [Retreating, holding a chair up before him, legs outward] 
'Scuse me. 

Mrs. F. Yes; I'll 'scuse yer! I'll smash yer to a jelly, yer 
wretched little wretch; dat's what I will. Put dat chair down; 
d'yer hear? 

Masher. 'Scuse me, but I'd rader keep it up, Mrs. Fireworks. 

Mrs. F. What's dat? Fireworks! Well, if I don' make you see 
fireworks! 

[She strikes at Masher, who, jerking the chair forward to protect 
himself knocks her down. Masher puts chair down.] 

Mrs. F. [Seeing her mistake] Good gracious, sah! dere's been a 
great mistake. [Gets up. 

Masher. Yes, dere has. I didn' know it was a lunatic asylum. 

Mrs. F. Well it ain't a lunatic asylum, anyway; it's Mrs. 
Fizzy's Lodgin'-House. 

Masher. Why, dat's de berry place I want. 'Scuse me, ma'am, 
but— aw— where's Mrs. Fizzy? 

Mrs. F. Yes; dat's me. 

Masher. You? I was tole you was— aw— Mrs. Fireworks. 

Mrs. F. [Aside] Oh, that's Moses again; but won't I smash his 
precious face for him! 



20 THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 

Masher. [Aside] She's gwine off again. 

Mrs. F. Dere's been a great mistake, sah. I mistook you for 



Masher. [Aside] Moses! Mistook me for Moses! Mus' be a 
lunatic, arter all. [Aloud] 'Scuse me, but I didn' know I looked like 
Moses, ma'am. 

Mrs. F. I beg your pardon, sah, but I'se berry short-sighted. It's 
dat lad ob mine, yer know, as tole yer I was Mrs.— er— 

Masher. Oh, I see. Well— aw— I s'pose we can't help de mistake 
now, Mrs. Fire— Mrs. Fizzy. What do you— aw— charge fer lodg- 
in's? 

Mrs. F. Nuffin, if yer fin' yer own food an' pay in advance. 

Masher. Berry well, den; I'll take 'em. I'se a-gwine to— aw— 
buy some combustibles while you git my portmanteau brought up. 
I'se be back as soon as I return. 

[Exit Masher, r., and Mrs. F., l.; and soon after Moses enters 
R. with a soap-box tied up with rope, which he bangs on the 
floor right in front of the entrance. 

Moses. Golly! dat's Mr. 'Scuse-me's portmanteau— hope I nebah 
stir! De las' lodgers nearly blowed de place up wid dy-in-a-minit. 
Won'er if dis bloke's got any? I'll jiss hab a look. [Proceeds to open 
box, with his back to the audience.] Dere oughter be sommat good 
wid all dis cord roun' it! Oh, golly! pickle onions— hope I nebah 
stir! [Produces a jar, which he is about to open on table; but, fancying 
he hears some one coming, he darts under table. No one appearing, he 
comes out again, leaving jar behind.] Golly! false alarm; fought I 
heard de soun' ob footprints. [Goes on examining box; produces a 
white nightcap, which he puts on.] Oh, my! a white shirt! [He brings 
out a white shirt, which he puts on, showing where it has been mended 
at the back with patches of dark-colored flannel. Goes to box again, 
when, a cork flying suddenly out of a ginger-ale bottle, Moses falls 
backward on the floor as if shot] Oh, golly, I'se a corpse!— hope I 
nebah stir! 

Enter Masher, r., who falls over the box on to Moses. 

Moses. Oh, mudder! Murder! Fse two corpses! 

Masher. 'Scuse me. [Gets up, and looks about very vacantly. He 
is frightened at Moses at first, but soon recognizes his shirt] 'Scuse 
me, but dat's my shirt. 

Moses. Eh? [Raises his head.] Hello! am dat you? Golly, I didn't 
know who it was; I fought you was de debble. [Gets up. 

Masher. [Aside] Good heavens! fust one mistakes me for Moses, 



THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 21 

and den anudder mistakes me for de debble. What kin' ob a mug 
hab I got? [Aloud] Say, are you— aw— Moses? 

Moses. Yes; dat's me all ober. 

Masher. Well, what yer doin' wid my— aw— shirt on? 

Moses. [Wiping his nose on shirt-sleeve] I don'no; I was jess put- 
tin' yer portmanteau on de floor, when sumt'ing bu'sted, an' I mus' 
hab got blown inter de shirt. 

Masher. Well— aw— jess look slippy, an' slip out ob it, sharp 
as yer like, 'fore yer git— aw— bio wed out ob it agen. 

Enter Mrs. F., r., tumbling over the Masher's box. 

Masher. Say, be careless, Mrs. Fireworks; yer a-gwine to do 
some damage. [Lifts her up; but as soon as she catches sight of Moses 
in his white shirt, she gives a scream and falls backward, sitting plump 
on and smashing the Masher's box.] 'Scuse me; jess min' whose 
t'ings yer kickin' 'bout an' smashin'. [Picking her up again. 

Mrs. F. [Pointing to Moses] Dat's him as I'se a-gwine ter kick 
about. I'll smash him, so I will! 

[She chases Moses round, stepping on Masher's things, and out l.] 

Masher. Well, if dis don' beat de berry ole Harry! [Giggles.] 
Talk 'bout a smash! It's nuffin else but smash. If dis sorter t'ing's 
gwine ter continue, I ain't, dat's all. [Gathers things together.] 
Lemme see; I beliebe I bought a rasher ob bacon. [Feels in his 
pockets; finally produces a small package out of his vest pocket.] Oh, 
here it am. It's a wunner it ain't gone to smash too. [Opens pack- 
age, showing a slice of bacon rolled up into a bundle; he unrolls it, ex- 
amines and smells it, then leaves it on tabled] New, where's dem 
pickle onions? I hope dey ain't gone ter smash. [Looks among the 
debris] Why, dere ain't de trace ob a onion nowhere. I could swore 
I brought some pickles; in fac', I'll swore I did. [Feels in all his 
pockets, but shakes his head.] No; dere ain't de ghost ob none no- 
where. S'pose I'se hab ter do widout, or else do de udder t'ing; but 
what's bacon widou' pickle onions? Now for some bread; an' den 
ter git me bacon cooked. 

[Produces a small roll out of his trousers pocket, and then calls 

Moses. 

Enter Moses, L. 

Moses. Did yer call, Mr. 'Scuse-me? 

Masher. 'Course I did; but allow me ter inform yer dat— aw— 
my name ain't " 'Scuse-me." Jess bore dat in mind, or I'll bore dat 
in yer eye, [Showing his fist. 



22 THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 

Moses. Well, yer needn't git mad, ole swell. What yer want? 

Masher. Dis bacon cookin'; am yer hands clean? 

Moses. Oh, yes, sah; dere quite clean. I blackleaded 'em dis 
mornin'. 

[Spits on his hands, rubs them in his hair, and then wipes on 

his trousers. 

Masher. Here, take it on dis paper, an' don' touch it wid yer 
nasty paws; min' yer don' drop ft. 

Moses. [Aside and going] Golly! I know where I'd like to drop 
it. [Aloud] Say! how much a pound d'yer pay fer dis bacon, Mr. 
What's-yer-name? 

Masher. Ain't yer gone yit? 

Moses. Yes, sah— hope I nebah stir, sah! [Exit L. 

Masher. I wunner how long it's gwine ter be 'fore I git dat 
bacon back? 

Enter Moses, l. 

Moses. [Aside] Well, I don'no 'xactly how long it'll be, 'cos I'se 
jess cut a few inches off fer meseff, an' I'se arter dem pickle onions 
now— fer what's bacon widout pickles? 

[He creeps and gets the jar, and is going out with it when Masher 
turns and sees him.] 

Masher. Hallo! Hallo, dere! 

Moses. Lor'! [Starting and dropping jar.] Don' frighten a 
chap ter deff. [Picks jar up again.] Am dese your pickles, Mr. 
Masher? [Comes and puts jar on table. 

Masher. Yes, dey am. Where yer git 'em? 

Moses. Foun'- 'em— hope I nebah stir! Foun' 'em on floor. 

Masher. Well, jess you don' fin' t'ings what ain't lost no more. 
Jess let t'ings 'lone, an' leabe 'em where yer foun' 'em. 

[Moses takes jar, puts it on the floor, and is going out.] 

Masher. Here, where yer gwine? Come an' pick up dis jar. 

Moses. Yer said I was ter leabe 'em where I foun' 'em. 

Masher. Look heah! What de dickens air you tryin' ter do? 
Air ye tryin' ter make a fool ob me? 

Moses. No, sah— hope I nebah stir! [Aside, and picking up jar] 
I couldn't do dat. 

Masher. Well, how long will dat bacon be? 

Moses. I don'no 'xactly, sah, but I 'spec's it won't be berry long. 
[Aside] De ole woman's tryin' ter fry as much fat out ob it as she 
can. 

Masher, Well, slip about greasy, ajf let's fa&fe its 



THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 23 

[Exit Moses, l. Soon after enter Mrs. F., l., with a plate con- 
taining a small piece of burnt bacon. 

Mrs. F. I'se brought yer bacon, sah. 

Masher. Oh, t'ank you— aw— t'anks berry much. 

Mrs. F. Hope I habn' kep' yer waitin' berry long, sah? 

Masher. Oh, no; not at all; don' mention it. [Stares very hard at 
plate.] 'Scuse me; did yer say— aw— did I understan' yer ter say 
yer'd brought my bacon? 

Mrs. F. Did I say I'd brought yer bacon? 'Course I did. It's dere 
on de plate, ain't it? 

Masher. [Getting his glass to look still closer] I— aw— fail to saw 
it, ma'am. 

Mrs. F. Mussy sakes! air yer blind? What's dat? 

[Sticking the fork into about an inch of bacon, and holding it 
up before his nose so suddenly that he has to jerk his head 
back. 

Masher. [Looking with glass] Well, dat— aw— looks like a piece 
ob bacon; but— 'scuse me— yer don' go fer ter tole me dat dat's all 
obit? 

Mrs. F. All ob it? Why, what yer take me for, sah? 

Masher. I take yer fer nuffin, Mrs. Fireworks— nuffin. 

Mrs. F. Look, here; my name ain't Fireworks. I'll smash yer 
face wid dis plate if yer call me Fireworks agen. 

Masher. I beg yer pardon, Mrs. Fizzy; but, all de same, when I 
gibs yer a half a pound ob bacon, I 'spec's to get back rader more 
dan— aw— half an ounce. 

Mrs. F. Surely yer don' 'spec' bacon ter increase wid cookin'. 

Masher. 'Scuse me, marm, but dere's a slight dif ob bitterence 
'tween increasin' an' vanishin' altogedder. [Buttoning up his coat 
and preparing to go.] I ain't a-gwine ter stop here ter git robbed— 
decidedly I ain't. [Enter Moses, l., and Aaron, r.] And [to audi- 
ence] de way you people's been grinnin' an' laughin' at me has been 
'nuff ter make de hair stand up on a— on a cast-iron donkey. A 
cullud genelman ob my position an' standin' requires— 

Moses. Chuckin' out! 

[Moses runs Masher out r.] 

Mrs. F. Ladies and genelmen, you see yerseff de way de lodgers 
treat me. Ain't it 'nuff ter agrawate a saint? Yes. [Going.] An' 
if I can fin' Moses, [furiously] I'll— I'll— yes, I'll agrawate him! 

[Exit R. 

Aaron. She's screaming mad now. If she cotches him, it'll be 
pity Moses. 

[Moses enters R., nmmm, pursued by Mrs. |\ ; both cross stage, mi 



24 THE NIGGER BOARDING-HOUSE. 

exit L. Mrs. F. reenters l., dragging dummy of Moses by the collar 
with her right hand, hammering him with her left Aaron catches 
hold of dummy by the ankles; tries to pull him away from Mrs. F. 
They struggle around, pulling. Suddenly dummy breaks apart at the 
waist. Mrs. F. rushes off r. with upper half] 

Aaron. [Flings his half, hitting Mrs. F. on the back as she goes 
off] There! take the rest of him. [Aside] Bedad, that's the end of 
Moses. Good-by. [Goes off r« 

curtain. 



*ij» w tfc t$p fA* *it» f)ftt w fA* »& , rX» «A» fA* iA» »A» ♦A* rfc tfo ifo »A* 

ACTING PLAYS f 

15 cents each. 

t MALE AND FEMALE CHARACTERS. * 

* A Household Fairy, How she got him and kept him 1 1 * 

r ** A KiSS in the Dark, Kissing on the sly and the results' 2 3 ^ 

fa, All at Sea, A brilliant little comedy , ,,..... 3 2 fa 

* A Medical Man, Blunders, deception and happiness 2 1 , 

y\ AU Eligible Situation, love, burglary and bliss. 4 IT 

ffa A Pair Of Pigeons, Groundless jealousy cured 1 1 L iX> 

, A Silent Protector, Ludicrous effects of a portrait. 3 2 . 

W .'fa 

"* A Terrible Secret, A harmless hoax with roaring effects 2 2* 

4* Betsy Baker, A little plot for wife- cure ............ 2 2 ^ 

J> Cinderella, Fairy-tale with songs and music . . .3 6 fa 

Fairly Taken in, Funny cure for jealousy ..-.,'. 1 1 

* Fireside Diplomacy, Cure for a henpecking .wife" 22 T 

#A» Freezing a Mother-in-law, An eccentric farce :..'. 3 2 »A» 

* From Punkin Ridge, A rascal unmasked, dialect characters ..63 . 

* His First Brief, Love-making accidentally ; very bright 32 ^ 

If Jumbo Jum, Introducing a funny blundering nigger, 7 3 *fy 

fa Love \ Under Obstacles, Fractical parlor pantomime 3 3 fa 

Money Makes the Man, Love triumphs over Avarice ........ . 4 3 

w Paddy Doyle ;or, A Mutual Friend, Paddy is great . .'. ..... 4 2' T 

«&* Pat's Dilemma, The troubles of an Irish emigrant . 4 3 4* 

t Popping the Question, Everyone at cross -purposes 2 4 « 

* Ten Nights in a Barroom, A great temperance drama :] 7 4*^ 

fy -That Rascal Pat, His troubles under two masters 3 2 ^ 

fa The Billet DOUX, How she tamed her father-in-law. . . . 4 1 fa 

The Dutchman's GhOSt, Squelching a dunderhead Dutchman.. 5 2 

T The Obstinate Family; or, A Family Fix, Obstinacy cured. 3 3 T 

f^ThePhilopena; or, Jealousy, How she cured her jealous husband 2 1 *fy 

. The Rival Lodgers, Adapted" from '" Box & C'dx '' . . 2 I. fa 

* The Stage-Struck Clerk, Innocence triumphs over guilt 6 3 ™ 

*fy. The Student's Frolic, Lots of funny situations ... 3 2 4* 

fa The Train to Mauro, Fussy old lady and terrible boy 21^ 

"Wanted, A Young Lady," "Diamond cut diamond," nobody hurt 2 1 

ip ; Who is -Who ? All tangled up at cross-purposes 32 if 

fa Won by Strategy, A farce full of absurdities . h . ............... 3 I fa 

f DICK & FITZGERALD, 18 Ann Street, New York, f 

*A* .tfo-:*$p *A» <^»"»A' »&» ^ f$e <$» <A» #A» •&» *A» ■ «A» «J<* »A» *A» *ifl *&t> 



LIBRARY OF CONGRES 

mi 



<W» W »A» «A» «&> *A» <A» *A» 'If* »&» *A» ^ *A» *&fi *kfl ^ w "JT'T T ""■ — ^ 



*$* 



•A* 
•A* 



ACTING PLAYS 

15 cents each. 

MALE. CHARACTERS ONLY. 

M, F, 

A Most' Unwarrantable Intrusion, How he won her. 2 

All Army Of Applicants, Dude, sport, .bummer, Pat, etc. ....',. 6 

A Spanking Legacy, A, vendetta, with comical terrors 5 

A Sudden Arrival, Consternation, and general rumpus 7 

Furnished Apartments, Rival lodgers and fun . . 5 

Jack Of all Trades, Very funny cure for fickleness ........... 6 

My Next Door Neighbor, Character sketch 5 

Old Cronies, Character comedietta. Funny throughout 2 

Poisoned, Funny, but he didn't die ... 4 

The Musical Bore, The musical neighbor nuisance . , 3 

Two Gentlemen at Mivart'S, Strangers; rivals; a discovery. 2 v 

FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY. 

A Slight Elistake, Odd effects of a German lottery prize ticket 5 

Mrs. Willis' Will, Girls at loggerheads and lots of fun .. 

Slighted Treasures, Girlish jealousy and spite exposed 

The Duchess of Mansf eldt, Fun i n a village. 

NEGRO PLAYS. 

Barking Up the Wrong Tree, A darkey sketch 5 

BOX and COX, Negro version; Female part played. by male ...... 3 

Darkey 3reach of Promise Case, Nigger mock trial, .26 1 

De Trouble Begins at Nine-, Nigger interlude 2 

Kerfoozl&m ; or, The Quack Doctor, Ludicrous nigger act . . 3 

Nevor Mine, cle "Why en Wharfo.', Darkey interlude . . 2 1 

Nigger Boardillg-HOUSe, Farce: female part played by' male ... 6 

The Stage-Struck Darkey, A female part played by male ..:..■ 3 

The Virginia Mummy, Screaming nigger farce G 1 

DICK & FITZGERALD, 18 Ann Street, New York. 

4p fy '<ty- fy n|r> 4* 'fy- fy ^ '^ .4\-!$e $* ' ■$* *&* "i r *?*' *$* 



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